The Benefits of Sleeping With Your Lab Partner
By Kelsie Testa
I want to sleep with that hottie from my 8 a.m. chemistry class, and now that finals have rolled around, I won’t have to deal with Monday morning awkwardness. Should I make it happen?
Finals is a time for cramming and all-nighters, so what better way to get into the last-minute spirit by sleeping with everyone you’ve had your eyes on before the semester ends? You wont ever see them again (until the fall, that is. Unless you’re graduating – in which case, you have some serious cramming to do).
For those who still need some convincing, please consider the following:
1. The probability of seeing them again You’re in the clear if you’re graduating or he/she is just a visitor. But for everyone else: If you had more than one class together, consider that the likelihood of you two bumping into each other again in the fall is much higher than if you’d never met him/her before. Multiple classes means that you have similar academic interests or may be in the same major. The same goes for if you have lots of mutual friends or are in the same extracurricular activities. If you’re looking for a strictly hit-it-and-quit-it situation, choose someone to whom you are a bit more anonymous.
2. Location, location, location Now is prime time to get with that guy or girl on your floor or in your dorm. You’ll be moving out soon and won’t ever have to awkwardly run into them in your towel again! This is also a good time to get with someone who lives far away, because the nicer weather makes for a more pleasant walk of shame. Avoid sleeping that necessitates driving or taking the bus, however. You’ll be forced to spend the night, and while that’s not the worst thing that can happen, it’s better to have the option to bolt.
3. Where you met Like I said before, if you met in a dorm or dining hall, now is your nookie window of opportunity. Go for it. However, the usual hook-up rules apply for randos at house or fraternity parties. Just because it’s the end of the year doesn’t mean that you won’t be judged for sleeping with the meathead who thought your name was Amanda (even after you corrected him eight times).
In summary: If I could develop an algorithm to calculate the benefits vs. risks of sleeping with a particular person – well, to put it simply, I’d have a lot more anonymous sex. But until then, we’re all on our own.
Kids, use this as your study guide. There will be a quiz tomorrow worth 80 percent of your final grade. It’s been a pleasure teaching Sexplained 101 for JERK this semester, and I hope you all have a raunchy, sex-filled summer.