Survive Your Summer at Home
By Christina Sterbenz
After a year or two of college (or even after graduating for those unfortunate few), many students return home for the summer and live with their parents. Some might make this decision to quell their mothers’ whines and ensuing Empty Nest Syndrome, but most probably just don’t have the monetary means necessary to flee the coop. Living with the people who have loved you, supported you, and grounded your ass when you came home hammered on Prom night poses no easy task. To keep your sanity this summer—and to avoid becoming homeless—you might need to put aside your desire for independence and consider your parents’ rules…or at least become an excellent liar. As a parental parasite myself, I’ve created a few tips for living symbiotically at home for the summer:
Pick your battles:
For example, when your mom asks you to do the dishes, even if she doesn’t say please, navigate your lazy ass to the sink. You can use this minor chore as leverage when she asks you to clean the gutters or give your Great Dane Spike a bath. Okay, Cinderella?
White lies are acceptable:
Under no circumstances should you tell your parents what actually happened at the bar the previous night. “Oh we just had a few beers and then watched a movie at so-and-so’s place,” always works. No matter how hip your parents might seem, they do not want to hear about the fight that broke out after you and your best friend puked on the bartender. Also, the Quick Fix Hangover Detox: 99 Ways to Feel 100 Times Better might provide some insight the next morning.
A more general rule:
Don’t get pregnant, or don’t get anybody pregnant. Simple.
Kiss ass:
Every two weeks or so, suggest that you and your parents go to dinner or watch a movie together. Follow @obscurecinema on Twitter for some options you may actually enjoy (and I guarantee your parents haven’t seen). Knowing that you want to spend your free time with them might subconsciously cause your parents to give you a little more space. This could also backfire, and all of a sudden, you and your dad have a 5-day camping trip planned. Danger Will Robinson, danger.
The last straw:
Lastly, if your parents just cannot comprehend that you survived a year alone at college and shouldn’t be required to have the car back by midnight, a well-rehearsed PowerPoint presentation always does the trick. Make sure to include a flowchart.