Spring Break: A No-Judgment How-To Guide

By Kelsie Testa

Whether you’re headed to Cancun, South Beach, Punta Cana or your parent’s house, Spring Break is a legendary and important time in a college student’s life. It is the one week where anonymous sex with strangers every night is not only glorified, but sought after. However, despite what MTV might say, Spring Break isn’t the sweaty, beer-hazy, tit-grabbing orgy that we’ve grown accustomed to seeing in the movies. While Spring Break is certainly the time and place for mindless sex with strangers, blacking out every night, and exploring the local drug culture, you’re still gonna have to bring your A-game if you want to hang a sock on your door by the end of the night. So, I’ve compiled a handy guide that will be sure to have you and your partner of choice naked, sweaty and with sand in your ass crack.

Print it out; carry it with you everywhere, and share with your friends. There’s plenty of coitus to go around.

1. Avoid the locals

Don’t go home with anyone over 25. If they are from the area, they’ve probably hooked up with tourists before, and being safe may not necessarily be high on his or her list. Rich college kids are your best bet because you’re all there under the same pretense. So, if it comes down to the blonde legacy frat boy from Duke, or the creepy 30-something that’s been buying you Patron shots all night, please make the right decision.

2. Plan in advance

Guys: decide who gets the room, have a signal for when some one’s getting it on, and decide whether or not she’s going to spend the night.

Girls: Make sure you’re at least somewhat familiar with the area. Decide how you will get home in the morning. Will your friend pick you up? Are you cabbing it? CHARGE YOUR PHONE 100% before you go out. Seems like common sense, but you can never be too careful. Waking up an hour away from your hotel in a strange city without a cell phone is not a situation you want to get yourself into. A quick tip: text yourself any important information like street names, numbers, cab companies, etc before you get too sloppy to remember them.

3. Practice appropriate social conduct

Guys: The Frat Boy Creep is a no-no. You have to talk to the woman first,. No cheesy pick-ups are neccessary: a mere “Hey, are you from here?” will usually start a conversation that can lead to a “Wanna dance?” and eventually to a “Wanna get out of here?” You cannot skip this initial conversation!

Girls: if you don’t want male attention, don’t pair a pleather mini with a bikini top and start dancing on tables. Realize that your body language and behavior WILL attract creepos, and if you’re not into that, well, it’s spring break. Just stay home.

If you DO want to get laid, look hot, and drink something colorful,. A beer bottle says, “I’m just here to have a few drinks and chill out with some friends,” while round of shots says, “Come over, talk to me, and buy me another.”

Another important note for both genders: group size matters. You and ten of your girlfriends are intimidating, no matter hot and drunk you are. And a group of five guys walking up to two girls is also not going to get you what you want. Stick to groups no bigger than five, or, if you can’t avoid arriving with a mob, make sure you can find a way to split off with two or three people to be more approachable.

5. Condom etiquette

To the girls, on Spring Break it’s important to remember that you’re all here for carnal pleasures, so be smart: put condoms in your purse. Many guys may “forget” to bring them for fear of jinxing their night, but if you’d rather come back to school with a nice tan instead of crabs, throw out your notions of what’s “slutty” and stash a few in your bag. No one’s going to judge you on Spring Break.

4. If all else fails, just fake confidence.

The essential rules of partying are still the same, but the foreign location, masses of tourists, and the dehydrating effects of excessive sun and alcohol may leave you feeling fuzzy. If you screw up, don’t worry about it. You have an entire week. So practice flexing in the mirror, get a spray tan, and just show your peacock feathers.

Remember kids: it’s spring break. So drink copiously, and fuck constantly.