Snuggies

By Sam Morgenstern It looks like a straight jacket, acts like a fashion statement, and has a creepy as fuck advertising campaign. It didn’t just roll out of the Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s the best in snuggle bunny douchebaggery…the Snuggie.

I Can’t Reach My Pretzels Snuggies first came to life when seniors at the University of Michigan cut off central heating in the dorms as a prank. To combat the shivers, one student walked around in a sleeping bag. But he constantly tripped over it, seriously damaging his street cred. So the super genius fashioned leg holes and armholes, and behold, the Snuggie. He copyrighted that shit and subsequently got laid.

A Cult Classic As Seen on TV Addicts Anonymous (ASOTAA) first made these revolutionary material bags popular. These crazies are also psychotically obsessed with the ShamWow, Grill Daddy, and Bumpits. They have to disguise themselves so the fuzz doesn’t shut them down due to their choreographed ritual dances, and blanket sacrifices to the Snuggie Goddess, Tammy Faye Baker.

A Fleece disaster only Anna Wintour could love If you’re a fashion snob, you undoubtedly scoff at the plain-Jane solids; instead, outfit yourself in the latest sexalicious leopard and zebra print Snuggies. And don’t forget the new Snuggie for dogs — a step above cat Snuggies. Chancy Nancy even decided this creepy, overpriced piece o’ fleece should bear the SU letters, perfect for the frat brahs.

Snuggie Sexification For the college dude to dominate the world, he constantly needs to reinvent the Snuggie and himself, like Madonna. This fleece fashion accessory’s design must blow your mind, and maybe even one day, include cone-like boob installments. But for now, get to know the Snuggernaut, perfect for making yourself into (a) a human fort or (b) a giant orgy. Now go cuddle yourself, you sexy, Snuggie deviant you.