I'm Not Gay

And I hate you for asking.

By Philip Bolton, Jr.

All the trivial hetero bitches looking for a gay best friend ask me if I suck dick so often that sometimes I think I do. I have no qualms with gay people, nor do I intend to offend anyone, but it is so annoying to be asked on a daily basis if I want it in my ass.

Assuming I’m gay because I don’t possess a machismo that embodies an American man doesn’t just hurt my feelings, it has a wide reaching implication. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” exists because we can’t accept that a gay man could serve in “This Man’s Army” — they aren’t manly enough. Yet gay men aren’t always effeminate, and straight men aren’t always chest-pounding gorillas, and to assume they are means subscribing to a long-lasting stereotype akin to believing all black guys sport huge cocks. And no, I’ve conducted no “research” on race and dick size correlation.

The male ego, especially around adolescence, is so fragile that any onslaught on our manliness forces us to fortify ourselves against cum-guzzling stigmas. I remember the good ol’ days when my high school classmates chanted in the spirit of Quiet Riot “Cum on feel the noize, Phil rocks the boys!” Then I’d cry myself to sleep at night.

I can’t understand why people think it’s appropriate to ask me if I’m gay. I don’t have any stereotypical gay attributes. I don’t speak overtly with my hands, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wax my eyebrows or do anything even remotely metrosexual.

But I was an easy target in school because I didn’t drink beer or try to get blow jobs from the cheerleaders after the pep rally. I’m constantly bouncing around, being stupid, and speaking in different voices. I cried during the last Lord of the Rings movie. I’m not acting like the common definition of a man because I am a man; I have all the parts, so I see no need to compensate.

When you ask me if I’m gay, you’re also a racist, according to Gail Bederman, a historian researching the evolution of sexuality in America. She found that during the Victorian Era, the definition of manliness in U.S. society changed when black dudes started kicking white dudes’ asses in athletic competitions. White guys decided they needed to act like more than civilized intellectuals or they would lose their sexual prowess. So they started spending more time in the gym to prove their overall racial superiority. In other words, today’s machismo is directly derived from white supremacy.

Men act defensively when others illegitimately call their heterosexuality into question because they can’t appear “unmanly” in front of women. They feel they have to act like that dick Sack from Wedding Crashers because some sad women actually look for that hyper masculine ass-wipe type.

Sometimes I ask myself if I am gay, but I answer with this: whenever I have sex dreams, I’m always with a woman, and sometimes more than one at a time. When I need masturbatory material, I think about women (or whipped cream, but that’s another story).

Society’s rigid gender roles thrust certain expectations onto both men and women, so I’ll thrust right back. Now when someone asks me if I’m gay, I just reply, “Why? Do you want to bang me?”