Sexual Faux Pas

By Lindsay Dolak

On average, a person spends approximately 200 hours of their life having sex from the ages of 20 to 80. You know, sex can be a pretty messy thing. A lot can go wrong before, during, and after—and 200 hours? Well, that leaves a lot of room for error. Here are some of the more embarrassing possibilities and how to (hopefully) alleviate some of the inevitable awkwardness.

Queefing

Queefing or, in Latin, flatus vaginalis, is the emission of air from the vagina. (In college-student terms: your box just farted.) It’s actually completely normal. Queefing is the result of air being trapped in the vagina during sexual intercourse. I know, I know. Try explaining that to the freaked out dude who thinks you’re about to diarrhea on his dingy. Well, there isn’t much you can do, honestly. As it is such a natural and unexpected occurrence, queefing is hard to avoid. According to hubpages.com, it happens most frequently after “doggy style.” So, I guess you could either give up that precious position or just laugh it off. Ignoring it and pretending it didn’t happen aren’t really options, especially if it was more thunderous than expected. Your best bet is to live by my favorite motto: Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, love as long as you live, and laugh louder than you queef.

Accidental Anal

Your cheeks just squeezed a little tighter, didn’t they? That shocking moment when you swear on everything your ass is giving birth and all you can muster to make it stop is a loud “GET OUT!” Curl up in the fetal position quickly because, honestly, that searing pain between your cheeks will only heal with time. Whether it takes a few minutes or a few days for you to be walking right again, the physical pain is only your first issue. Is that asshole behind you giggling a little? Yeah, he probably is. Once you have collected yourself, it’s time to go. Trust me, you’re not going to be able to continue after that and you might as well get out of there with the last shreds of your dignity still in tact, even if you can’t say the same for your shitter.

Dirty Talk Gone Wrong

There you are in your bed with some random girl who’s ready to go. So far so good. You’re feeling hot, horny, and hard—and then it happens. She looks you in the eyes and says, “Shove your fat cock into my loose pussy.” Uh, what? I know what you’re thinking. That stuff doesn’t actually happen. Actually, it does and according to a junior broadcast journalism student (who will remain anonymous) who fell victim to dirty talk gone wrong in an aggressive way, it can be an unsettling experience. “It was gross to hear and just really, really uncomfortable. I just lost it after that,” he said. Dirty talk in its general form is pretty common and can be totally great when used subtly and in a not-so-disgusting way. You really only have a few options when faced with some heavy horny talk. You can either respond with a simple, slow head nod of acknowledgement (try to hide the look of shock) or you can pretend you didn’t hear it and hope with all your might that they don’t repeat it.

Those are some of the most common incidences reported from a survey of peers and friends about their awkward encounters. However, sometimes things aren’t so black and white. Here are a few stories from others that’ll make you look at your minor mishaps in a whole new appreciative light:

“I was moving into some foreplay…all is well and good when out of nowhere [the girl] starts gushing everywhere. I smell something funky and look down and it turns out she gushed piss all over my arm, bed and sheets. It was disgusting.” – Male, junior

“A guy I know handcuffed his girlfriend to her bed during sex. Suddenly, he sees a car pull in the driveway. So what does he do? He jumps out the window just before she is discovered by her unsuspecting parents, wearing only the cuffs.” – Male, sophomore

“The guy I was hooking up with suddenly became completely flaccid. You know, that was fine and I got over it until he started slapping my vagina very hard with his soft dick trying to get his boner back. Ow.” – Female, sophomore

“I was having shower sex and the girl was hanging onto the top of the shower curtain and I was holding her legs. Her hands slipped and the entire upper half of her body just went crashing into the ground. I don’t think she got a concussion, but I’m not sure. It sounded awful.” – Male, junior