Hannibal Buress Talks SU Basketball, College Greek Life, and Bernie Sanders at Goldstein Auditorium

So… Hannibal Buress made things pretty weird last night.

Those who chose not to splurge on a $5 ticket to Buress’ stand up unknowingly made their biggest fuck up of 2016 (and that includes voting for Donald Trump). Buress took Goldstein auditorium’s stage like a seasoned pro, tackling only the most relevant college topics. Like SU athletics, Snapchat... and masturbation.

If anyone has mastered the art of laughing at their own jokes, it’s Buress. Within the first 30 seconds of the act, the 33-year-old comedian was slamming Syracuse basketball, urging a dedicated crowd of SU fans to prepare for a heartbreaking let down this weekend. Bashing a school’s D1 basketball team (which miraculously made it to the Final Four) typically won’t win college students over, but for Buress… it worked. He told the crowd, “it’s been a good run, but this shit is over.”

After bringing Syracuse basketball to rest, Buress called out SU students for some of our slightly questionable college “norms.” He joked about the absurdity of fraternity life and hazing on college campuses, aka “beating the shit out of someone” and then taking their money in return for their friendship. Sounds like an even trade.

The stage heated up once Buress switched topics to masturbation (when does it not), admitting his struggles with what one might call “natural masturbation.” In other words, his inability to masturbate without the help of a computer screen. He somehow found a way to transition into his Bernie Sanders skit mid masturbation joke. We’re still not sure how he pulled it off, but this is what Buress thinks about the 2016 Democratic candidates.

Simply put, Buress said “Bernie is going to die soon.” The comedian pointed out the obvious reality that Bernie is “fucking old,” and he does not want an old president. According to Buress, the last president to compete with Bernie’s old age was Ronald Regan, who ended up with severe dementia.

“You know what dementia is,” Buress asked the audience. “Some shit you don’t want your president to have.”

Touché.

Then he compared Hilary Clinton to a crouton. (And not even a good one.)

The highlight of the act was Buress’ bit about rap music, calling out some of the most famous rappers in the game for blatantly lying in their verses. (Shout out to Eminem, who sadly took the bulk of the heat.)

He ended the set with an abrupt and quite frankly pretty bizarre “rap performance,” recruiting three SU ballerinas to accompany him on stage as backup dancers. The poor girls had to dance for him even after he decided to go acapella. You’d be surprised how awkward you can feel watching ballet when there's no music on.

Moral of the story: the next time a high-profile comedian comes to campus, sacrifice a Thursday night's cover at Chucks and splurge on a $5 ticket.