Why Grinding is the Worst Thing to Ever Plague Society

In 1939 President Franklin D. Roosevelt teamed up with Albert Einstein and several other scientists, and together, they began efforts to purify uranium. These efforts, later known as the “Manhattan Project,” lead to the invention of the atomic bomb, the second worst invention in the history of the world.

What’s the worst invention of all time, you might ask? Grinding.

Grinding is the worst thing to plague our society since the actual Bubonic Plague of the 14th century, and that shit killed roughly 75 million people. Symptoms of grinding typically surface around the age of 12 and may include extreme physical discomfort, severe emotional trauma, swollen ego, muscle weakness and/or cramping, perpetual sweating, and possible erection. Though curable, the emotional scarring that accompanies a hardcore grind is often irreversible.

I had my first grinding experience in 7th grade at the first Bar mitzvah I ever attended. Let’s call it Dan’s Barmitz. Dan’s Barmitz was the perfect place to lose my grinding virginity — I’d always dreamt of being dry humped by the scrawny kid with braces in my math class whose entire face was covered in acne. To top it off, all of Dan’s closest family members were there to witness my first time, including his 88-year-old grandmother... pretty positive she went blind the next day. There are some things the eyes just don’t want to see. Mazels Dan, sorry gram.

Here’s my question: at what point did society decide it’s socially acceptable to hump someone from behind without an introduction? FYI guys, approaching girls from behind and practically gluing your penises to their backsides is not the same as a handshake. We’d at least like to know your name before we reject you. At this point, we’re all “adults,” so let’s stop grinding on each other like teenagers who just saw Footloose for the first time. It’s not cute.

There’s a reason why there are no grinding scenes in any iconic romance movies, and that’s because no good love story has ever started with “we met at a bar and I backed up into him like a dump truck.” Even Jack in Titanic had the decency to dance with Rose face-to-face when he took her to that creepy basement party, and that place was a breading ground for ratchet behavior. So let’s have some class, people.

Look, I get it. We’re all sexual creatures — hormones are real and kids do sex. I’m not trying to tell you not to express your sexuality, I’m just giving you a heads up that doing so via the act of grinding makes you look really fucking stupid and somewhat ape-like. Want to hump each other? Great, go for it! Just do it in private, please.