What To Do When Sex Just Sucks

By Lindsay Dolak In college, weekend nights are used for a lot of things. There’s recreational activities, such as Beer Olympics, opportunities to enhance social skills via bar and/or frat hopping, and of course stress relief, i.e. sex. But what happens when what is supposed to be the ultimate release of pent-up tension turns into a stressful situation in itself? You’re raring to go and ready for a relieving romp sesh and then, suddenly, the sex just sucks. Too aggressive, too awkward, or just too drunk? Here is how to deal with a horny hoe-down gone wrong.

Overly Aggressive

So things are heating up and everything seems to be going smoothly when suddenly…is that a chokehold he’s got you in? Is she moaning and writhing so wildly that you actually fear for a second that the next time she pulls back your dick might go with her? I guess you can’t blame the aggressively erotic for being into the motions, but if your ass is screaming from being slapped and you’re choking more than you’re moaning, something has gone wrong.

The best way to deal with these types is to be aggressive back, just not in the same way. Tell them it hurts; tell them it’s too much. Those are your organs up in there that are coming close to puncturing, after all. If you can, try to stop the madness during foreplay before things get too out of hand. “If a guy puts his hand on the back of my head and tries to control what I do while I’m giving him head, I get up and tell him to do it himself,” Teresa, a sophomore, said. Early action is the best way to prevent injury and potential life-long physical scarring.

Inhibited by Awkwardness

There are few things worse than the inexperienced experienced. I’m talking about those people who have done the dirty a few times, but still do it like they’ve never done it before—and not in the exhilarating way. These are the people so awkward in bed you’d think they were afraid of your genitals. They handle your dick like it’s a lizard they found up the creek when they were six years old. They grope and grab your parts like you’re a limp balloon filled with sand; they flat-out have no idea what to do with your naked flesh and it could not be more obvious.

Awkward sex is bad for two reasons: 1) It’s not pleasurable, it’s not fun, and it’s not enjoyable at all and 2) How the hell are you supposed to keep from laughing? Trust me, I know bad sex is a major social problem and certainly nothing to joke about, but it’s next to impossible not to giggle at the horny and helpless. You could put up with it because you don’t want to embarrass them. Then again, you’re probably going to say something to your friends once you’re finally done with the disastrous deed so my advice would be to take the initiative. Alleviate that awkwardness by climbing on top. Maybe you’ll teach him or her a few things and save their next victim from their struggle with sex.

Too Damn Drunk

Translation: he can’t get it up. In many cases, intoxicated intimacy can be a great time. Inhibitions are forgotten as alcohol gives way to one’s true internal sexual deviant. However, there is a line. It’s the line between lasting forever and never getting the chance to begin. It’s whiskey dick. “It just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Most girls don’t know what to do with a soft dick and the guy just feels like a complete asshole,” Todd, a sophomore, said. Here comes a round of the blame game. The guy blames himself, thinking he’s going to have to start a Viagra regimen at the age of 20. The girl blames herself for not being attractive enough or good enough to keep him hard.

The real culprits here are Jack, Jose, and Jim, but they’re not in the room to explain themselves. It’s just you, your partner and the awkward, soft elephant in the room. I’d play off the intoxication. You’re both at least a little drunk so why not fake it a little, get a little more mentally drunk if you catch my drift. Pretend you don’t care. Suggest going back to the party, ordering food, anything to get him to cover up that little naked mole rat in between his legs. If all else fails, tell him you don’t even remember it happening the next morning. He might not believe you, but I’m willing to bet he won’t admit it.