This Week’s Horoscope: Based Off of No Scientific Evidence What-So-Ever

Libra (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22) - The new moon will be in effect this week and its unveiling will have a direct correlation on your life. You know the saying, Libra, “New moon, new me!” So get out there try something new. Maybe it means getting a mocha latte at Starbucks instead of pumpkin spice or it could mean dropping out of school and becoming a flight attendant like you’ve always wanted!

Scorpio (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) - This week, you may receive some surprising news, Scorpio. As the solar eclipse comes into effect, your life will be altered forever. A friend becomes a foe? A lover becomes a hater? Your mom stops loving you? You win the lottery? Only time will tell what will happen.

Sagittarius (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21) - Hey, Sag. Studying this week is a must. Black moon's energy will be in full effect, which will increase your workload. So open that textbook and study up because that calc midterm isn't going study for itself.

Capricorn (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19) - It’s crop season on Pluto, Capricorn. The rich nutrients of the soil will bring richness to your palette. Marshall Street will treat you well this week. Just don't indulge too much, the new Indian restaurant seems sketchy.

Aquarius (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) - The strong winds on Uranus will weaken your immune system. This week it is important for you to stay away from human contact, Aquarius. One cough or sneeze could turn into contracting the bubonic plague.

Pisces (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20) - Changes are coming, Pisces. As Mars penetrates Jupiter’s orbital zone, your love life will heat up. It is important not to obsess over the unimportant things about your partner, focus on what really matters, like their looks and social status.

Aries (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) - Results are inconclusive.

Taurus (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) - This week Taurus, you will have a spiritual revelation. As the sun aligns with the winds, your mystical powers will be at its peak. So take the time to sit down and watch the Harry Potter franchise to learn what it really means to be a wizard. Powers are an immense responsibility, so don't go to Thornden at night and summon the spirits from the underworld without proper preparation.

Gemini (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) - Perhaps you’ve been feeling down, Gemini, but as your week continues, your energies will be revitalized. It's important to appreciate your happiness and the important things in life, like DJ’s happy hour.

Cancer (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) - The big dipper's star formation will change your luck from good to bad this week. Be aware... Try to avoid stepping on cracks and walking under ladders.

Leo (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) - The stars will be shining extra bright this week for you, Leo. Remember, you never know when an opportunity will arise, so keep an eye out. The 15 minutes of fame you have always dreamed of will be closer in reach than you think, so don’t be afraid to belt out a show tune and do a jazz square in the middle of Jimmy John’s.

Virgo (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) - This week you will need to be extra carful, Virgo. As fresh waves bring in a new tide, new people will come into your life, both good and bad. Trust your intuition and judgment.