The New Sex Rules

By Lindsay Dolak

By now, you’ve probably figured out a sex style and method as signature as your Jimmy John’s order and you think you know what really works for you. What if I told you that I’m willing to bet that your seemingly unique sex script isn’t all that unique? In figuring out what fulfils our sexual appetites, there are a number of old-fashioned rules that we all, to a certain extent, still fall into. I’m not one to argue with age-old wisdom and time-tested techniques, but these rules can seem more like ruts and it’s time we taught the old-fashioned dick a few new tricks.

Old Rule: Good sex lasts for hours.

New Rule: Great sex can be as long or short as you want.

It’s a common misconception, in my horny and humble opinion, that good sex requires a time slot as long as a class block. While I can understand that a lengthy and sensual sex session can certainly benefit the body, one must remember that we are, in fact, students. We don’t get a lot of free time on the weekdays and no one really has time to sack up for hours even if it’s for a solo catnap. However, no one’s crazy enough to simply cut sex out of his or her weekly—or daily—schedule, so we find the time. If it’s 50 minutes, great for you! And if it’s only five, well hey bro, you got off, too!

Old Rule: The guy must make the first move.

New Rule: Initiation is acceptable from either party.

Ladies, remember the days when you used to run to the door and cut all the boys to be the first one in line to go outside for recess? Where did all that ambition go? It’s that initiative that will get you a solid sex-goddess reputation in no time. I have never heard a guy complain that a girl made the first move, but I have heard plenty of guys complain that not enough girls do so. Basically, if you’re ready and raring to go, then just go. I can say with quite a bit of confidence that no clearly horny male is going to try to cap that ambition.

Old Rule: Sex = Sex

New Rule: Sex can mean a lot of different things.

So, you went farther with that guy than you wanted to. Yeah, whatever, you can blame tequila for the umpteenth time while you nervously await the next hook up knowing that you can’t slow things down now. You can’t go all the way and expect someone to be satisfied when you want to pull back and start maybe only going half way. Or can you? Listen up, satisfying “sex,” like a great-fitting condom, doesn’t come in a one size fits all wrapper anymore. We have this messed up notion that sex must involve penetration and that anything less than that is simply “foreplay.” An orgasm is an orgasm, and I would be shocked by anyone who wouldn’t be perfectly satisfied receiving one regardless of how it came to happen. Don’t fall for the washed up idea that the best orgasms come from intercourse. If you’re only focusing on figuring out that one area of the body, you’ll miss out on all the great feelings that can come from “having sex” with all the other parts.

In order to make sure that I am not simply bashing some of the most original rules of banging, and as my own way of paying homage to the classics, here are some rules that will never go out of style:

Don’t stick your dick in any other hole unless full and conscious consent has been given.

Don’t. You. Dare.

Don’t have sex on your period.

And don’t neglect to fully inform a male who might be considering going down on you if you are on your period as that is simply cruel and disgusting.

Don’t ever let your schedule get in the way of a happy and fulfilled sex life.

Sex does more for your stress than you could ever imagine.

Don’t fake it.

Honestly, you’re probably not that great of an actor/actress and will most likely just make an absolute fool out of yourself. And your partner will know and will laugh.