The Low Down on the Get Down

I’m scared to death when it comes to STD stuff. If I make a guy wear a condom when I’m giving a blow job, is it still good for him? Getting a blow job with a condom on feels almost as awesome as getting fingered with an oven mitt. It just sucks. Whereas the grip of the vagina (or anus) is what makes the dick feel ri-fuckuous-ly awesome during intercourse, it’s the wet, sloshy feeling of your tongue that makes the dick blow its mind, or, well, you know. Unless you were born with a wicked small mouth and the guy’s got a dick with the girth of a telephone pole, the grip factor just ain’t there.

Luckily, fellatio doesn’t put the giver at a super high risk. The chances of receiving something through vaginal intercourse is roughly one in 1,000, while experts guess that orally (male to female) the chances are about one in 100,000.

Yet these figures are merely estimates, so as much as it blows for me and my fellow schlong owners, we understand if the oral giver requests condom use. A variety of flavors are available, so that makes things tasty for the giver. If you’re going to make him wear a condom, however, you’d better know what you’re doing. I suggest practicing tongue exercises daily so that you can excite the dick with your moves sans slobber. Try placing a small paper weight on the edge of a table and lifting it with your tongue. It’ll be difficult, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Every time I cum in my girl's mouth, she acts like she just tasted the bubonic plague. Can it really taste that bad? Good tasting cum has had serious historical effects. There was a reason representatives chose George Washington as president, and it wasn’t his political policies. John Rolfe had to have some seriously mouth-watering cum to get Pocahontas to cross the Atlantic. And Alexander the Great, well, now you know what was so great.

It really depends on what you eat. Supposedly, the healthier you eat, the better cum tastes. Experts say eating fresh fruit and vegetables makes your semen sweeter, while drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and using recreational drugs give the sperm more of a sour or stale taste. But then again, those experts are probably doctors, which means they have ulterior motives, i.e. trying to kill the joys in life that are hot fudge and cookie dough ice cream.

Also, in a completely unscientific survey I conducted in my past, cum typically tasted better from muscular, hot guys and like crap from fat, ugly ones. Take that for what it’s worth.

So if you're looking to follow in the footsteps of cum gods like Flava Flav and Bret Michaels, you better get to work. Ditch the Doritos, throw on some spandex, and pop in a Richard Simmons video.