The Deal With the Word "Slut"

My friend told me that since moving to Austin a year ago, he’s had sex with about 40 people... 40. I couldn’t help but raise my eyes a little, without judging him, of course. Isn’t 40 people a lot of people? Does he ever worry about catching an STD?

“Yeah, it’s a lot. I should probably tone it down now," he said. "And, besides, I don’t get many messages on Grindr anymore because I’m no longer new. Everybody wants the fresh meat."

If you do the math, 40 sexual partners in a year isn’t really that many. 40 people a year comes out to be about three people a month. Does sleeping with three different people a month make someone a slut anymore than going home with, say, 100 people in a year? Is there really a difference between sleeping with 40 people versus 100 people? And if so, what’s the difference?

Gay men are usually stereotyped as being horn dogs that have sex all the time. We have hook up apps, Craigslist, Manhunt, and whatnot to find our next piece of tail. But the “search for sex” isn’t limited to just gay men. Everywhere you look, men of all sexual orientations complain about their lack of sex and how they want more. It’s on TV, in the movies, and in popular music. The thing all these stories always have in common, though, is how the male drive for sex is perfectly okay and within the bounds of reason. Men are supposed to have sex, and there’s virtually no such thing as a guy who has too much sex.

So when does a guy become a slut?

Are you a slut because you text XXX pics to folks?

Or because you video all of your sexual encounters and share those videos with people?

Or because of what you like to do in bed, or where you like to do it?

Or because your Manhunt pic is a close up of a body part?

Or because you slept with three different people today?

Or because you have a separate “booty phone”?

The only reason we have slut shaming is because people are still hung up on the idea of sex as solely for procreation. But is that even still a thing? I’m pretty sure people have sex because it is awesome, not just to bring in the next gen. This is, I think, why some folks are afraid of gay sex, because it is purely recreational and doesn’t lead to the creation of life. And yet, slut shaming doesn’t always come from conservatives for procreation and do-gooders: it comes from people like me, who freaked out when my friend told me how many sexual partners he’s had. Or the time my eyes got big when I had dinner with a famous queer theorist who told me he’s had sex with over 5,000 people in his life.

Why do we involuntarily make snap judgments about people based on how many people they’ve slept with or are currently sleeping with? Whatever the answer is, it’s the same reason we lie about our “number” when that question comes up in a new relationship.

There’s no universal definition of a slut, because a slut is when someone else’s sexual behavior makes you uncomfortable. Or maybe it’s just something we call people when we aren’t getting laid ourselves.