The Complete Guide to Sex in Your 20s
You're twenty, you're young, and you're going to have a lot of sex. That's cool and all, but let's face it: your sex life isn’t always going to be the same. Each time it's going to be different and guess what, you may, actually no, you will have some embarrassing slip ups. Without further ado, here is my ultimate (but succinct) guide to sex in your twenties.
1. The “I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex: “I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex can be either good or bad. Your disbelief could stem from your joy of sealing the deal on a long-standing crush, or you could actually just be shocked that you’re having sex with someone you have no interest in. Either way, it’s exciting! Like unwrapping the weird-shaped box under the Christmas tree! You’re just like, “What the HELL could be under there?”
How to embrace this sex: Blast “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira during coitus and whisper the lyrics, “Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story…” in their ear.
2. The “I’m too distracted” sex: Admit it, your mind wanders during sex. It wanders to a faraway land so removed from blowjobs and naked bodies that you’ll wonder where the hell you actually are. “I thought I was having sex?” you’ll ask yourself. “So how did I end up thinking about Darfur?” Don’t feel bad for having sex ADD.
How to embrace this sex: Have someone go down on you with the TV on and if you find yourself more engrossed with the TV show than the oral sex, then yes, this means your life is officially a Blink-182 song.
3. The “Wait, are we making love?” sex: So much of the sex we have in our twenties is hilarious, awkward, and primal. Like, you’re either laughing and getting embarrassed, or trying to imitate the kind of sex you see in porn. Occasionally, you will actually find yourself MAKING LOVE to someone, and it will blow your effing mind like a Sade song. You might even find yourself wanting to weep silently in your pillow afterward. (That’s not okay. You can’t do that. I understand it, but nope). Making love is different than screwing. The difference is that you actually love the person you’re with, and you’re not so concerned with just getting yourself off.
How to embrace this sex: Actually listen to Sade during a lovemaking session.
4. The “I freakin’ hate you” sex: Angry sex is real, and even has the ability to end lives. It’s especially dangerous to have it in your twenties because, hi, we’re permanently angry about everything and sometimes tweeting about our anger just doesn’t cut it! We have to basically kill some poor, unfortunate soul one violent thrust at a time! Oh, the casualties! Go join my sexual graveyard with the rest of them. (Sidenote: Angry sex can also be easily be confused with drunk sex because you often wake up with the same amount of bruises. But trust me, it’s different).
How to embrace this sex: Role play. Nothing gets you a “Get out of jail free” card better than a crazy sexual roleplaying session. “I didn’t mean to scratch your face and make you bleed! I was just getting into character, jeez!”
5. The “Oh, we’re doing dirty talk? Ok!” sex: Dirty talk is an acquired taste. Many people don’t like it, but I find that if it’s with the right person, it can be really fun. Just don’t overdo it too much, because the line between “sexy”, and “EW, WTF?” is super thin.
How to embrace this sex: Say this: “And then I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay off your student loans. Oh, yeah. And then you know what I’m gonna do to you next? I’m going to pay off your sexy credit card debt and buy you a freaking sexy ass apartment!” Seriously, if someone said this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 8000 times.
Of course there's a lot more, like the "oh the condom broke!" the "I never tried anal..." sex, and the “turn the freaking lights off” sex — but whatever your scenario be, just remember that sex is supposed to be fun, romantic, all of that nonsense. Just remember to be safe and don't take yourself so seriously.