Single Staffer: Maddie Kelly

By Jerk Staff

Staff Position Assistant Designer

Interested In Men

Zodiac Sign My old one is Sagittarius, but my new one is the made-up one: Ophiuchus. I can’t pronounce it.

Goals To dance like a normal teen instead of a 70-year-old white man.

Ideal first date I’m really into food. Take me to a restaurant where they can put jelly on my cheeseburger, and we’ll be jammin’ all night. Anyone? Anyone?

First Boyfriend In 6th grade, when people used to “go out,” my boyfriend wrote a song about killing my science teacher’s baby. And then he was on the news. We promptly went our separate ways.

Last thing you bought tickets to A Katy Perry concert

NO.1 on my bucket list To sue Dunkin’ Donuts because I believe I’m the real creator of its waffle breakfast sandwiches. I’ve been doing that shit since the 5th grade.