Sex Advice From Carli Cooper

By Carli Cooper  

I recently got some below-the-belt action, and the guy attacked my clit so hard, I was screaming with pain, not pleasure. What gives?

Before another girl falls victim to this crime of passion, here’s a public service announcement for the men reading: The clitoris does not give instant pleasure if repeatedly pushed, poked, or prodded.

Girl, I’ve been there. A bruised clitoris is a hard injury to explain, but you can’t blame a guy for trying. The media loves to preach about the majestic mystery buried between our legs. But eager as they are to please, some guys have a tendency to abuse that glory. Good news: just because your man never got past the first page of Lovemaking 101 doesn’t mean you’ll suffer forever.

Guys pride themselves on their skills in the sack, and a lot of women will sacrifice their own pleasure to avoid scaring them away. But when his “technique” just leaves you sore and unsatisfied, his ego is no longer a cause for concern. Take the bold approach and guide his hand. If you’re particularly courageous say, “Here, let me show you,” and release your best porno moan. Once he gets the idea, he’ll begin to move away from the hot button while you get closer to the big O.

Or grow some girl-balls and be upfront. I know it may sound a little abrasive, but so are his moves. Whether you use a slight moan of disapproval or a “Bro, knock it off with the clit,” he needs to get the point. There is a lot more going on down there that could use some attention.

I’m trying the long-distance thing, and my girlfriend mentioned phone sex. How do I pull this off without sounding like an idiot?

Ugh, long-distance relationships are the worst. The suspicion, the loneliness, the horny nights spent alone with nothing more than some chocolate and vodka. I commend you for sticking through a veritable purgatory of dating. Faithfulness doesn’t come easy and, consequently, neither do you.

So to start off, mention the last time you and your girlfriend were together. By using a reference point, you can start comfortably and, most importantly, in the same position. When couples try to get fancy, it leads to a number of issues: “Where are we? What position are we in? I thought I was on top?!” Nothing ruins the mood more than confusion, so the clearer the conversation, the better.

Use phrases like, “I want to squeeze your [blank]” or “I love when you stroke my [blank].” Based on how she responds, proceed accordingly. As for sound effects, they are excellent cues for context. Tell your partner what sounds good, what you like, and of course, what you’re doing with your hands.

I’m sure if Alexander Graham Bell knew what his innovation and genius would someday lead to, he’d give you a fist pump and a sly wink. With phone sex, you can experiment with the dirty deeds you were too afraid to try in real life. That being said, remember that she can always hang up, leaving you between a rock and a hard—well, you know.

Send your sexual conundrums to sex@jerkmagazine.net.