Obitchuary: Tamagotchis

By Christina Sterbenz

Tears cloud the eyes of children of the 90s as they notice an emptiness on the racks of Toys ‘R Us. The Tamagotchi, offspring of Bandai and WiZ CO, took its last virtual bowel movement in 2002. The time and cause of death remain uncertain, but authorities speculate that the involvement of hormones near the onset of puberty for Generation Y may be responsible for the death.

For a moment, take a look on the bright side. Since the demise of this technological trend, stress levels among children ages five and up exponentially decreased. Generation Y can now rest assured that their real pets won’t die after 17-and-a-half minutes of neglect.

We fondly remember the Tamagotchi for the excitement felt each time our virtual friend evolved and for the anxiety felt when those ominous beeps informed us it was surrounded by its own shit.

At least we now know our digital doggies did us some good. Recent research suggests potential reinstatement of digital pets for use in sex education classes. Unplanned pregnancy occurs less frequently in teens who had a Tamagotchi as a child. So go hunt for your forgotten Tamagotchi in your childhood bedroom and give your quasi-alien some lovin’.