Mythbusters: Anal Sex Edition

Afraid of being entered through the back door? What happened to ringing the doorbell and just walking up the front steps, right? You’re not alone. Our incredibly unscientific polls show most who haven’t experienced the tickling sensation have some alarming fears about what may go down when something goes in. We’re here to bust some myths so you can bust your ass without hesitation (but always with consent!!!). Our anal expert, Jordan Bowens, 21, is a self-proclaimed anal aficionado with his many years of experience, trials and triumphs. He is well versed in these fears as well as their solutions and wants anal to get the love and attention it deserves. Read on to learn about the myths you’ve believed since childhood, as well as some helpful tips for all of you new anal-comers.

Myth: As soon as his dick goes in I will shit all over it and he’ll hate me forever.

Bowens: I would say, frankly, to a certain extent you need to come to terms with the fact that poop comes out of your butt. Do the necessary cleaning beforehand (shower, or if you’re feeling festive, buy a home enema from CVS). You’re also adults, if you get a little shit on his dick wipe it off and move on. You’re going against one-way traffic here. Expect a little pushback.

Myth: Doing anal is a great alternative to having regular intercourse because I’m still saving myself.

Bowens: If you’re discussing doing anal, something tells me you’ve already explored other caverns. If it is your first time and you’re gonna go for the back door I’m not the one to lecture you about your relationship with God. My God loves anal.

Myth: I’ll never be able to poop normally again.

Bowens: Well that’s just true. Anal itself feels like a really, really big poop. Like you're pushing out your grandmother’s fruitcake from three holidays ago but just like the fruitcake, it gets better with time. Some would even say enjoyable. Sitting down to take an actual big poop just never feels the same after that.

Myth: My anus will turn inside out when he pulls out.

Bowens: If your anus is falling out of your butt, then you may be dying. You probably have other problems if this is happening so go get checked out. Sorry I’m not a scientist.

Myth: The pain will make me throw up/cry/go blind.

Bowens: Take pride in defying biology and using your back door in new and innovate ways. You’re stronger than your partner’s penis—do this for yourself, not for him. Mental preparation is key. If you’re ready, your body will be too. May the force be with you, or drilled into you. Whichever you prefer.

Some extra pro-tips from local anal expert (Bowens):

• Relax, that’s going to be key. If you’re tense that won’t be fun for anyone.
• If you’re a straight man: your G-spot is up there. Don’t be afraid to play with it—it’s fun territory.
• Lube, lots of lube. And not just the cheap spread of lube that gets put on a condom. We’re talking buckets if at all possible.
• Play some solid tunes to put you in the mood. I highly recommend “Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)” by Kelly Clarkson.
• And like my mom always told me, just have fun.