How to be a Wholesome Whore

By Lindsay Dolak

The Great Dane Cook once described a girl named Karen. Karen is the girl in every group of friends who everyone secretly hates; every group of girls has a Karen. Well, I’m going to describe for you a girl that I’ll call Sally. Sally is a whore (no offense to anyone actually named Sally); however, Sally is not your average slutbag, recognized by whole fraternity houses and/or sports teams because of her “giving” nature. Sally is subtle. She is friendly, down to earth, and typically attractive. In fact, you wouldn’t even be aware that Sally is a whore until you hear someone say those fateful words: “Oh her? Yeah, she’s a huge slut.” Suddenly, Sally is not so saint-like.

How could you not have known? How could Sally, seemingly so sweet, so innocent and just like the rest of us be such a secretive slut? I think the better question is how does she do it? How did Sally perfect the image of the “Wholesome Whore?” They walk among us, they sit around us in class, and they probably have slept with the same guys as the rest of us. Wholesome Whores are everywhere and here are your fool-proof tips on how to be one.

1. Do NOT sleep with more than one guy per fraternity/sports team

Boys talk, probably more than girls, and if there is one thing they talk about more than anything it’s sex. I can guarantee that if you sleep with a linebacker one weekend and a wide receiver the next, you’ll soon be confused for that same football they pass around. “Boys love to brag and even if you weren’t that great in bed, they’re going to tell their bros about it and if your name gets brought up by more than one guy, well, you’re a slut in their eyes,” a freshman female said. It seems that men agree. “After one girl has slept with a certain number of guys in the house, she’s considered house furniture,” said Colin Desmond, Vice President of Sigma Phi Epsilon. “After she’s slept with a few more after that, she’s considered house foundation.”

2. Do NOT go home with the first guy who buys you a drink

Remember, you’re not a slut; you’re a Wholesome Whore. You have to be a little hard to get. Sorry, let me rephrase: you have to appear hard to get. If you jump into the arms of the first guy to supply you with Soco-lime shots, then you come off as easy. Sluts are easy; you are not. You will wait until you are hit on by at least a second guy, preferably a third. See, you know you have every intention of sleeping with some rando tonight and I know you have every intention of sleeping with some rando tonight, but if you make that too obvious with just one overly aroused slip, your reputtion goes from Sweet Sally to dirty, Wide-set Vagina Wanda in two seconds.

3. Only discuss hook-ups with your girlfriends

Your girlfriends are probably dirty skanks too and, if they’re not, they’re living vicariously slutty lives through your weekend tales. They want to hear about who you’re smashing and they are much more likely to keep it quiet. “If you tell a guy about another guy you hooked up with last weekend, then not only do they automatically think you’re a slut, but they will tell other people that you’re a slut,” an freshman female said. “Who cares if your friends and roommate think you’re a whore? That’s much better than having a bunch of guys think you’re one.” The fact is: girls think other girls are sluts even if the other girls are virgins. It doesn’t matter; girls call each other whores and smuts more than guys do. So, when a guy hears from a female friend of his that you tend to put out more than the average girl, he probably assumes it to be common shit talking. Guys do not trust a girl’s word, especially if it’s about another girl. Guys do most definitely trust each other’s word, especially if it’s about a girl. Therefore, confide in your close circle of trusted femmes and leave the boys out of your sexual circle of trust.

Honestly, being a dirty skank is not an easy job, but someone has to do it. If you’re willing to sacrifice yourself, then make sure you follow these steps and do it the right way. Guys associate girls who have multiple sex partners with STDs. Do you want to be Gonorrhea Girl? Well, if you’re fucking frequently enough and are careless, you still run the risk, but at least this way it’ll be less well known. Happy Whoring!