Don't Fucking Talk To Me

Talking to people can be hard. You walk around campus all day, take notes for a class you don’t actually give a shit about, and go hours without any real form of substantial conversation. That is until you happen to see a vaguely familiar face walking right towards you in the middle of the quad. You’re tired, you have a lot on your mind, and you wouldn't mind a little human interaction. We’ve all been there. But then your mind fills with doubts: Do they even know who I am? Are they in a hurry? What if they don’t want to talk with me?

Well my friends, you’re in luck. We’ve established some guidelines regarding when it's acceptable to talk to others and when it's not. Why? Because we care. Sort of. But mostly because there are certain moments when we just don’t want anyone to fucking talk to us. Allow us to enlighten you:

DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME:

Am I eating something even remotely messy?

Generally speaking, I don’t really want to see anyone with marinara sauce dripping down my chins, let alone talk to anyone. If you try to engage in conversation at this point in time, you will get very delayed and mouth-half-full-of-spaghetti responses, which nobody should ever have to encounter.

Can you hear Beyoncé music blasting through my headphones?

Partition is a jam, Bey’s voice is a spiritual experience, and if you interrupt me halfway through it, I promise our conversation is not going to be a friendly one. Show the Queen some respect.

Am I staring very deliberately at my phone?

This is an instance where I am extremely aware of your presence, but pray that you will see I'm *busy* and spare me any awkward and unwanted chit-chat we might have been forced to have. Sorry to whatever friend is getting that “I’m texting you to look busy” message, you are the true unsung hero.

Am I sitting alone on any form of public transportation?

It’s been a long day, I had to wait ten agonizing minutes just to get on this stupid bus, and quite frankly I’m just trying to make it from here to my intended destination with as little social interaction as possible. Don’t make it weird, I just want to get home.

Is it a Saturday morning?

It’s 12 o'clock in the afternoon, half of last night's makeup is still smeared across my face, I have a raging headache, and I can’t remember shit from yesterday. Do not come at me with that, “Well someone had a crazy night!” nonsense, you and I both know I’m already trying to forget.

PLEASE FUCKING TALK TO ME:

Am I standing awkwardly at a party?

My friends just ditched me to pull trig in the bathroom, I have no one else to talk to, and, most shockingly, I came here with the intention of socializing. I promise not to ruin your night if you promise not to judge my terrible dancing.

Are we at the same concert?

I like music, you like the same music, and now we have established a very real and important connection. Tell me your favorite songs, which band member is your favorite, and help sing/shout the lyrics with me, because I’m bound to fuck up the words.

Is that creepy guy from the bar refusing to leave me alone?

I came here to have a good time, but now I’ve turned this guy down twice, and he still won’t stop bugging me. If you catch any of my desperate expressions, be a pal and come save me, the anxiety is getting real and I'd do it for you.

Do we have a class together?

I don’t care if I barely know you, nothing is better than finding another person to complain to. If we’re in the same class, you'll have to sit through a few sarcastic side comments, but we will inevitably bond over our mutual love/hate for the professor, and odds are you need to whine just as badly as I do.

Are we trying out/auditioning for something together?

Contrary to popular belief, stress actually brings people together. There’s no better way to calm yourself down than to talk to someone as equally freaked out as you are.