Decoding Pick-Up Lines

By Lindsay Dolak

If you are even somewhat attractive and even if you’re not, as long as you have boobs, chances are high that you’ve probably been hit on at a party. It happens…often, and, if it’s happened to you enough, the opening lines used become all too familiar. And I’m not talking about the classic “Hey, baby, are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” I’m talking about the subtle, seemingly innocent inquiries guys use to open up a dialogue and grab the attention of dazed and confused girls dancing around everywhere. It’s a system: a how-can-I-get-this-girl-up-into-my-bedroom system.

Proud to be the one to turn him from his former slutty ways, I collaborated with my frat guy boyfriend to find out the most commonly used conniving conversation starters and what they really mean.

“Hey, want to go take more shots in my room?”

The obvious approach. Any girl who has fallen for this one was either that drunk or a freshman. Come on, girls, not only is this guy trying to further intoxicate you, but he’s not wasting any time getting you into his bedroom. I get it, you think it’s wrong to pass up free alcohol, but there’s free beer, your friends and a much lower possibility of contracting any diseases waiting for you downstairs.

“So, where are you from?” or “What’s your major?”

Feigning interest, dare I say a “classier” approach? This guy’s going to ask you pretty much anything from your academic interests to your dog’s name and agree with you on everything in between. Don’t be fooled. He doesn’t actually support your political views and he doesn’t really have a friend who went to some college around your area code. What he really wants to be asking you is how you want it and if it’s absolutely necessary that he wear a condom, but that would be forward and this guy clearly knows how to engage a lady correctly.

“You know, I’m president of this house.”

Bitches love a man in power, right? First of all, this guy’s probably not the president of whichever frat house you’ve chosen as your Saturday night poison. Guarantee if you just nod your head and wait a little bit for the next guy to come around the corner, he will be the president as well. Apparently the frats are really pushing leadership these days. Anyway, unless you are partying in the White House, who cares? The small amount of social status uplift associated with becoming house president should not be enough to convince you to romp around his “oval office.” Even Monica Lewinsky’s reputation took a hit and she got it with an actual president.

The guy who just comes up behind you and starts dancing.

Wow, that was ambitious. Don’t give him any brownie points for his aggressive approach. Instead walk away. I can 100% guarantee that if you walk five feet away and glance back briefly, he will already be dancing with another girl who is much more slutty and drunk. I wouldn’t take it personally; he doesn’t even know how to start a conversation. I’d take “what’s your major?” guy over this loser any day.