A Letter to The Person Who Still Wears Uggs

Dear Ugg Lover,

I am concerned for you. Let’s get this out there: wear what you want, do what you want with your body, and let your freak flag fly. Except in this case... enough is enough.

There is a time and a place for everything, and for Uggs that was middle school circa 2007. Unless you’re one of Ed Hardy’s last disciples, I suggest you stop scoping out strip malls for sheepskin leftovers.

In a way, you are the bravest soul on this campus. Not only do Uggs look like the mob wife version of a medical boot, they have zero traction and get destroyed with the first step you take. The salt on Marshall alone could eat away at your soles and dissolve the toe-glove socks you’re probably wearing, because if you’re gonna be that person with the weird footwear, why not go all out?

Is it comfort? The feeling of something familiar? Are Uggs just so warm and cuddly soft that you can’t let them go? I’m sorry, but Uggs are not the guy you were kind of seeing last semester. I should not be asking the same questions your roommates do while they set up your Tinder account and watch you weep over your “ex.” And if you're still just trying to get your money's worth after dropping almost two Benjamins on those things, please just chalk this one up as a loss.

I'm not saying Uggs weren’t the bomb in their heyday. I had a prime collection of mint green, rose patterned, shimmery black and fifty shades of sand, but I grew out of them. (Mentally, not physically. I was Genghis Khan in middle school.)

All I’m trying to do is help you. Or figure out why you dress like a comfy psychopath. If developing a 12-step program to walk off this terrible habit of yours is what it takes to establish an Ugg-free campus, let me print up some pamphlets real quick. This is a safe space, and your insulting footwear is making me feel attacked.

I don’t care if you have a side pony or if there’s an elastic waistband around your jeans. Just, for the love of Aldo, leave the Uggs in your Aunt Charlene’s craft bin to be refurbished as a toilet cover.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Friend