5 People You Deal With at the Gym

I’m just throwing this out there — I absolutely despise people who claim to “love” the gym. This so called “runner's high” quite frankly does not exist. “Runner's low” seems a lot more appropriate if you ask me.

I get very little pleasure out of working out. Sure, I force myself to do it, but I basically spend the entire hour at the gym staring at the ancient clock hanging on the wall, an ultimate reminder that my body is still moving way too fast for comfort. All in all, it truly, genuinely sucks. Unless Jerry Springer’s on TV, then that’s an obvious game changer.

Of course, there are a number of people who always show face just to make my workout experience as miserable as possible.

Here are five, terribly unfortunate people we’ve all had to deal with at the gym.

1. The one who’s perpetually thirsty. The girl or guy who hogs the water fountain like it’s fucking Smirnoff Ice. You stand there waiting for over 13 seconds thinking “how hydrated could you possibly need to be to spend half an hour on the elliptical?" Get real.

2. The one who wont get off the machine. You’re waiting by the machine, using every passive aggressive technique in the book to say “get the fuck off” without actually saying it. But, of course, the bitch won’t budge. He or she probably turns to you and smiles at some point, the ultimate “fuck you”.

3. The one who forgot deodorant. Honestly, people, its not that hard. Take five seconds out of your day to apply deodorant so you don’t smell like a walking dump truck. “All natural” hasn’t been cute since the 60s. You’re gross.

4. The one who keeps staring. You very well may be in your little brothers’ basketball shorts, but this guy’s eyes are still glued to your ass. Oh well, boys will be boys (cue eye roll).

5. The guy with a fetish for himself. We all know this guy. You get to the gym and he’s there, pumping iron, staring at his own image in the mirror. An entire hour passes and his eyes haven’t moved. Narcissism is real, kids.

I think the moral of the story is fuck the gym. I’m going ahead and ordering the Domino’s pizza I’ve been dreaming about since Tuesday. I invite any of my fellow gym haters to join me… But bring five bucks. Pizza ain’t free.