10 Things You Should Never Tell Your Girl
Save yourself the drama, and the blue balls...
I never thought I would use this column to put a guy on blast for something he’d done, but that day has come, my friends.
Once upon a Thanksgiving break, I was engaging in some shameless flirting with a guy from back home. We’ll call him Matt. One thing led to another and oh la la, we were hooking up outside in the 30 degree weather. Normally I’m not one to kiss and tell (haha, who am I kidding?), but this story needs to be shared to save any girl from what I was about to hear.
Matt pulled back, looked at me, and confessed that he wanted to hook up with my best friend that same night. Oh, it gets worse. Then he proceeded to ask for my advice on how he should go about making that happen. I. Kid. You. Not. Did I miss something here?
Word to the wise: Never (I don’t care how high on your horse you feel) ever ask a girl that you’re hooking up with how you should go about getting into her best friends’ pants. First of all, her best friend probably won’t bite the bait no matter how alluring, especially if she knows what has already transpired that night. Secondly, if the girl hasn’t gone into shock, much like I did, you’ll find yourself a little wet … ala Keystone, that is. So, in honor of my horndog of a friend, I give you ten things a guy should never say to a girl:
1. “I didn’t feel like cleaning my room.”
We don’t mind a few empty cans of Red Bull from when Call of Duty came out, but the last thing I want to do is step on crumbs, trip on your dirty underwear, or worse: see the practically empty industry size box of condoms you’re keeping bedside.
2. “I just got tested…but don’t worry I’ll have the results within a week.”
While keeping up with your sexual health gives you bonus points, that’s only if you’ve actually gotten the A-Ok from your doctor. After all, what’s a few days without some action versus the phone call you’re going to have to make explaining that “Surprise! Turns out I do have Chlamydia.”
3. “You remind me of my mom.”
Sigh. Really? The last image we want before we’re about to strip down is that of your mother. Needless to say, that’s a surefire way to give a girl the female equivalent of a boner killer.
4. "Your boobs looked so much better in a bra.”
Thanks asshole, and your hairline didn’t look like it was receding until you took your baseball cap off.
5. “Make me a sandwich.”
Ha. Ha. Ha. Unless your sandwich can help you out with that erection, I’d suggest in refraining from bringing us all the back way to the 1950s. And don’t even think about asking us to get you some waffle fries.
6. “Me and my ex always used to…”
I’m sure you and your ex girlfriend always used to have a blast … that’s why she’s your ex-girlfriend right? Bringing up your ex girlfriend simply tells us you probably aren’t over her. And don’t think bashing her is the answer – women stick together... for the most part. Plus, we’re just going to start thinking about what you’re going to say about us when we’re through.
7. “I didn’t know what size to get you babe, so I got you a Large.”
You might as well have just told her, “Those pants make you look fat.” Stay on the safe side: buy a medium and include the receipt!
8. "Well he probably just..."
There’s nothing more aggravating then when you finish your day and just want to complain to your boyfriend about some asshole and all he does is try to justify the other person. We’re just going to start placing that anger on you! Guys, just take our side – even if we’re wrong. Simply agree and wrap us up in those big burly arms.
9. “Your friends are hot.”
Oh gee, thanks. Did I ever say to you, “Wow, Paul’s washboard abs look even better up close”? Yeah, don’t go trying to suck it in now. Mentioning that our friends are hot is just a bad idea. We know they’re hot – that’s why they’re our friends!
And lastly,
10. “That feels so good, Lexie.”
Unless her name is Lexie, I suggest you get up, put your clothes back on, and thank her for the lovely evening and go. Just go. There’s just no coming back from that.
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