Are They Your Friends or Fans?

graphic courtesy of shuttershock.com

We all have that one friend. The one who monopolizes the aux cord, who decides which restaurants to eat at, and who chooses which shows to binge watch later on. Hanging out together consists of you listening to their problems, giving advice, and supporting the work they’ve been up to. You usually let them call the shots because hey, that's just how they are, and you love them. 

But is that okay?

Social media has ingrained into all of us that the number of followers and likes we collect is everything. Since the creation of our earliest middle school Instagram accounts, we’ve been taught that the more followers we have, the more power we have. We finally had a way of quantifying popularity, and everyone sprung on the opportunity to turn their lives into a game of “show-and-tell,” in search of validation. Unfortunately this pattern has bled into real life, with people believing the more “friends” they have, the more valid they are. But friends and followers aren’t the same thing, and the confusion between the two has led many to simply search for fans rather than an authentic connection. 

So, how can you tell if someone is just using you as their personal cheerleader? The answer is simple, making sure that all of your friendships are mutually beneficial relationships. If someone simply uses you as an outlet for venting their problems or showing off their accomplishments, it’s likely they don’t care about YOU as a person, but rather the validation you can provide them. All of a sudden, when it’s your turn to make a decision about plans or ask for advice, you are given the cold shoulder or a simple “stay optimistic buddy.” Sometimes you can even be the one seeking external validation, which is why you initially chose to remain in the one-sided friendship. If this individual you’ve deemed as cool has accepted you, you must be cool too, right? 

It’s also important to make sure you aren’t seeing people as fans, either. It can be very easy to fall into the trap of seeking external validation, so it’s important to check in with yourself every once in awhile and be honest. Do you genuinely like the people in your life, or do you simply use them as tools to remedy your own insecurity? Hold yourself accountable. Our friends will always be there to listen and laugh with us, but it is important to create experiences with your friends too. If you find all you do with a particular friend is complain or comment on your life — particularly the problems you may be facing— it could be a sign you are just using them as a fan rather than a friend. At the end of the day, the need for external validation is what causes people to search for fans, but it’s also what makes people want to be fans in the first place. When we see something we deem as cool embodied in another person or thing, we feel validated ourselves, and we want to support it. But now more than ever it is important to remember that we should value ourselves first. It simplifies down to self-obedience. We can easily give anyone the power of being more popular, cool, or interesting than us. At the end of the day, these fleeting concepts are just a matter of perspective, and frankly, in a world where nobody can agree on anything anymore, that can be a beautiful thing. Why is this? It means you have the power to define what it means to be cool yourself. So to those of you seeking fans and for those as you stuck playing the role of the fan, it’s time to stand up and realize your power as an individual, and seek out people you genuinely care about, because you deserve it.